The (Not So) Tragic Death Of Phil Palmfeather
by AquaDiveyWhoosh
Summary: HI! This is my first fic, so please R&R. Not recomended if you like Phil(sicko) This story is pure insanity, because there aren't any Mighty Ducks Insanity stories and there should be. Rating changed due to sexual(not graphic) scenes with some ducks,
1. The Insanity Begins

  
  
  
  
The (Not So) Tragic Death of Phil Palmfeather  
  
::Disclaimor- I don't own anything having to do with the mighty ducks( no matter what I say) so please don't sue me. I'm broke anyway, so there's not really a point. As if you couldn't tell, I'm not fond of Phil, at all. All Phil fans (if such a thing exists) please don't flame me, I know not what I do. The whole Wildwing thing just comes from what I think he really thinks about being the leader, and yes, I DID make him an obsessive older brother( after all, elder siblings only exist to protect their younger brothers or sister, am I right?) This story is pure comedy and insanity, it was meant to be that way from the beginning. This is my first fic, please be kind. And, to anyone who still supports Clinton... well, your opinion doesn't matter to me, and it wouldn't even if he were still president. Oh yeah, written in Script form::  
  
(All of the Mighty Ducks' team are in that big, underground, cave thing where they keep Drake 1(so what if I forgot what it's called?) listening to Tanya talk about another of the fabulous things Drake 1 can do, and isn't she a genius for programming it, and bla bla bla, no one was really listening, but hey, Tanya's better than Phil anyway, right?)  
  
Wildwing: ::sigh:: ::thinking:: Does the torture never end? I don't even know what she's talking about. OK! I'll just ask her (kindly and leader-like, of course) to shut up. No, I can't do that, I have to be a good leader, not to mention I should be a perfect role model for my dear little brother (bless his heart)... Being a leader sucks!! I'm not allowed to swear, drink, tell people to shut up, I can't even buy a decent pair of pants without worrying about "How is this going to influence the darling little children who are watching the show...(little brats)". ::sigh:: What to do, what to do...  
Nosedive: Tanya, are you ever going to shut up? I mean, I'm glad you're so confident in your invention, I'm sure we all are, but you're being really obsessive of the thing, and, aw to hell with being kind!! NO ONE CARES!!  
Wildwing: ::thinking:: Lucky me, to be blessed with such a straight-forward younger sibling!! Hurrah for Nosedive!! Yay! ::clears throat:: ::talking:: Well, that wasn't exactly a kind way to put it, but I think he's right Tanya.   
(upon hearing Nosedive's outburst, the rest of the team awoke from the mindless state Tanya's rambling had put them in, and now they were eagerly nodding their heads and adding their agreement)  
Tanya: ... Don't you love me?! :: starts to cry in humorous anime way::  
Mallory: What does this have to do with how we feel about you?  
Grin: Even the smallest rock may divert the mightiest river...  
(All of the team except Grin look at him with a confused look)  
Duke: Whaaat??  
Nosedive: Didn't you say that in that other episode?  
Mallory: I KNOW that has nothing to do with how we feel about her.  
Grin: I don't have a philosophical phrase for this situation, so I had to improvise.  
(All the rest of the team sweatdrops, even though this is an American cartoon, and not anime)  
(Wildwing's about to say something dashing and leader-like when the door makes that "whoosh" sound and opens to reveal... BILL CLINTON!! (not really, I'll make him die in a different fic) (ok, where was I... Ah yes!)   
(Wildwing's about to say something dashing and leader-like when the door makes that "whoosh" sound and opens to reveal Phil talking a mile a minute (isn't that a great phrase?) on his cel phone.)  
Phil: GREAT! They'll be there! See ya then, ciao!   
(The team sighs, knowing who "they" are, and what "being there" means)  
Phil: Babes! You'll never guess what I just got you on!  
Mallory: Sports Illustrated.  
Duke: Birdwatcher Annoynomous.  
Nosedive: Wicked.  
(The rest of the team looks at him in that "HUH?!" kind of way)  
Nosedive: They're a freaky magazine that does stories on evil, dead things.  
Wildwing: We're not dead!  
Mallory: And I'm pretty sure we're not evil! ... Are we?  
Nosedive: Well, ya never know, the actor's are always the last to know if the director decides to do one of those things where the sides get switched, and the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad, kinda like in Slayers, and yeah... I'll stop now.  
Grin: If you do not find enlightenment, and aid your fellow man...  
(Everyone else, except Phil sweatdrops again)  
Phil: How did you do that?! Can you do it again?! That's amazing! I bet people'll pay to see that! I'm calling Ripley's! ::proceeds to take out the mighty cel phone of doom and do just that::  
Duke: You certainly are easily amused Phil.  
(Nosedive's talking to Grin)  
Nosedive: Grinster, if you're gonna keep doin' this philosophy, wow I said a big word. Philosophy, philosophy, philosophy... Where was I? Oh yeah, if you're gonna keep doin' that thing, you're gonna have to start doing your homework and getting some new material man, no one wants to hear a big guy ramble about something he knows nothing about, we got Phil to do that, and besides, he gets payed to do it, k?  
Grin: I am one with the universe, and you are one with my, wait a minute, I did it again, didn't I?  
Nosedive: Yeah, but don't worry Grin, there're places where people like you can get help, places with nice people who deal with others just like you.  
Mallory: You're making that up.  
Nosedive: ::whispers to Mallory behind his hand:: Shh!! I'm tryin' to give him a little hope to hold on to!  
Mallory: ::whispers:: Sorry. ::In normal voice:: Ya know, I'll bet he's right, Grin, I'm sure there are lots of places for people like you!  
Grin: Be silent, and listen to the quiet voice within you that says...  
Mallory: ::to Nosedive:: Do you think it's too late?  
(Wildwing, Tanya, and Duke are staring at each other, and wandering around aimlessly, with Wildwing on constant watch to make sure no one offends Nosedive in any way, since they aren't being included in the conversation)  
Nosedive: ::to Mallory:: It may be...  
Phil: Boobies!! Mr. Ripley's gonna put you on the show! And since you're aliens, we'll get payed double!!  
Duke: Oh I can't wait.  
Phil: I'm glad you're so enthusiastic Duke! The rest of you should try to be more like him!  
(This is interupted by Drake 1's alarm going off. Tanya rushes to go see what's going on, even though it always means the same thing)  
Tanya: Drake 1's picking up some strange energy readings!  
Nosedive: Well, THERE'S something that's never happened before!  
Wildwing: Where?!  
Tanya: In an abandoned building on the outskirts of town!  
Mallory: It's probably just Scooby and the gang chasing some ghosts.  
Nosedive: The setting does hold that certain... Mystery Gang charm, doesn't it?  
Wildwing: Let's move out!  
(they start to leave when Phil jumps in front of the elevator that leads to the place where they keep the Migrator, or, as I like to call it, the super garage)  
Wildwing: What are you doing, mon?! Move out of the way!  
Nosedive: ::cheerfully:: Yah mon!! Let's all talk like Jamacans, mon!  
Grin: Mon... I suppose I could use that... Mon, mon, mon, it has a nice, spiritual ring to it...  
Phil: NO! You always do this to me! Every time that overgrown alarm clock goes off, you go out and fight those lizards! And every time, you always manage to be late to a photo shoot!  
Duke: ::snaps his fingers in the "Darn!" motion:: Well, I guess we'll have to find a new way to get out of em...  
Wildwing: ::thinking::How'd he figure it out... ::talking:: Phil! We have to save the world! Move!  
Nosedive: No more Jamacan...? No more mon? ::whimper:: I liked the mon...  
Wildwing: ::quickly makes a mental note to add "mon" to the end of all his sentences:: Move, MON!!  
Nosedive: ::happy::  
Wildwing: ::happy seeing Nosedive happy::  
Mallory: ::unhappy, wants to kick suarian arse::  
Tanya: You, know, we really should, um, get moving. :gets dirty look from Wildwing:: Uh, I mean, we should get moving, mon.  
Wildwing: Phil, move mon.  
Phil: If you're going, I'm going with you!  
Wildwing: ::doesn't even try with Phil, since making him say "mon" will make him even more annoying::  
Duke: Phil, do you remember the last time you came with us mon?  
(The whole team, and Phil have a flashback)  
Everyone: ::stop flashbacking::  
Phil: No, why?  
Grin: :: picks up Phil, slings him over his shoulder, and begins to enter the elevator::  
Duke: It's times like these that I'm glad he's on the team, mon.  
(the team follows Grin into the elevator)  
Nosedive: Going down, mon!  
  
Hello! You're all probably wondering "What happened to killing Phil?" Well I'm working on it, mon! It's gonna be in either the next chapter or the one after that, so just be patient, dozo. Please review, and if ya want, you can e-mail me at NOSGETUKA33@aol.com, and if you wanna chat, I'm usually on from 11:00 to 4:00 or 7:00, ja, mon!  



	2. The Insanity Unfolds

  
  
The (Not So) Tragic Death Of Phil Palmfeather  
  
  
::Disclaimor- I don't own the ducks(why?! Why didn't I think of it first?! Oh, why?!) But I do own a blessed monkey. He's black, and my boyfriend won him at Astroworld for me.(oh yeah, speaking of boyfriends, here's some advice for all you girls- Never ask your boyfriend why he can't be more like Nosedive (I was in deeeep trouble for that!)) Speaking of Nosedive, there will be a strange little scene with him and Wildwing, but I'll tell you right now, IT DOES MAKE SENSE AND IT DOES HAVE A POINT, SO JUST HANG IN THERE WHEN READING IT, ALL WILL BE REVEALED. Anyway, Phil will be dying soon, so just wait a liiittle bit longer, k?::  
  
(The Mighty Ducks are in the Migrator, driving towards the abandoned building on the outskirts of town with Phil along for the ride)  
Phil: I can't believe you brought me here! I have a date in an hour! Now what'll I do?!  
(The team looks at him in shock)  
Duke: Call Ripley's back, mon! Phil's gotta date, mon!!   
Nosedive: I bet we could get at LEAST triple pay for that, mon!!  
Mallory: So what if we're American aliens that can sweatdrop?! This is unbelievable, mon!!  
Phil: Very funny. I'll have you know women throw themselves at me.  
Nosedive: Yeah, women with life vests filled with time grenades on throw themselves at you, mon.  
Tanya: That paints an interesting mental picture, mon.  
Phil: You're just jealous, all of you.  
(At this point, Wildwing does the unbelievable, the unthinkable, the extraordinary, the very rare thing... HE STARTS LAUGHING!! AHHHHHHHHHH....(hehehe))  
Wildwing: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA(continuous laughter)   
Nosedive: ::shocked look:: Dude, mon!   
Wildwing: ::falls out of the driver's seat he's laughing so hard (PUT ON YER SEATBELT WING!!)::  
(The others scream as the Migrator almost drives into a light post, but Duke grabs the steering wheel and swerves to the right. Wildwing's still laughing like a lunatic, which causes Nosedive to start whimpering in fear)  
Nosedive: Wildwing... What's wrong? Why are you laughing?  
Duke: :: puts a hand on Nosedive's shoulder:: Kid, I don't think your brother's feeling too good...  
Nosedive: Why? Duke, what's wrong with him? Why won't he quit laughing?  
Mallory: Nosedive... Your brother's very sick right now...  
Nosedive: What's wrong with him? ::about to cry::  
Duke: I'm not sure... Come on, let's go over here... : trys to pull Nosedive towards the back::  
Nosedive: :: won't go, is reaching for Wildwing, who is still laughing:: Wildwing! Stop, please stop! You're scaring me! Why are you doing this?! ::bursts into tears::  
Mallory: WILDWING!! Stop! How can you do this?! You're supposed to be Nosedive's role model, but instead you're... you're... You disgust me!   
Nosedive: No, it's not his fault, he doesn't know what he's doing!  
Duke: Nosedive... We can't hide from the truth... It's time to face the facts. Wing's... Nosedive...  
Nosedive: NO! I'm not listening!! It's not true, it's not!!  
Duke: You're brother has...  
Nosedive: No, you're wrong!  
Duke: Gone...  
Nosedive: ::crying hystericly:: Stop, please!  
Duke: Out of character.  
Nosedive: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHUT UP, IT'S NOT TRUE, I WON'T BELIEVE IT!! MY BROTHER'S PERFECT, HE IS, HE IS!!"  
Mallory: Wildwing! Look at your brother! Look at Nosedive!  
Wildwing: :can hear everything that's going on, but it sounds strangely... far away...:: ::thinking:: Whoo, what was I doing? What's going on? I was supposed to be doing something, but who cares, PARTY! PARTY DOWN!! WOOOHOO! YEAH BABY! Hey, that sounds familiar... It sounds like someone's crying... WHY?! EVERYTHING'S GOOD IN LIFE!! GET DOWN! UH HUH, UH HUH! DO A LITTLE DANCE... Ok, I'm sure I've heard that voice before... Is it... Nosedive? Why is he crying? He has nothing to cry about! He's funny, sweet, smart( he hides it well), cute, and he has a nice butt on top of all that!! Whoa, can't believe I finally admitted that, well I guess it's not that weird, I mean, I have eyes, I use em, and besides, who WOULDN'T want to look at my brother's cute butt? I'm not that far gone... (Wildwing's bout ready for the funny farm, yes?) Am... I the one who's making you cry, baby brother? I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... ::realizing that he's making his beloved brother cry brings Wildwing out of his trance with only the thought of undoing this awful deed and bringing a pretty smile to his brother's cute little face:: ::Speaking:: Nosedive?   
Nosedive: ::breaks out of Duke's arms and throws himself into his brother's arms, sobbing the entire time:: Please don't leave me... Please don't leave me again big brother... Don't leave me alone...  
Wildwing: ::stroking Nosedive's hair, and murmuring apologies left and right:: Nosedive... I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have left you... My poor baby brother...  
Nosedive: Are you... Are you going to be okay now? :: sniffles::  
Wildwing: Yes... Yes, I am... I promise.  
Nosedive: ::hugs Wildwing, begins crying in happieness and sadness both::  
(Deep announcer voice comes on)  
Voice: Remember... Avoid going out of character. It only hurts the people you love the most. If you have problems, and are experiencing strange outbursts of out of character behavior, contact your docter. Out of character syndrome is nothing to laugh about. It can break hearts, both mentally and physically.   
(Deep announcer voice shuts up)  
Phil: Man! I wish I had that on tape! We could get a fortune for that! Steven Spielburg would pay anything to get that on tape! I'll bet he could make it into a movie!  
Grin: Phil. Now is the time to put away all the unspiritual money-making ideas out of mind, and fill your head with ways to be more sympathetic and peaceful when coming to terms with the family troubles that are facing my fellow teammates and your clients so that we all may learn to grow, just as the flower after a great drought.  
Mallory: Grin! You're cured!  
Grin... Whatever.  
(The team sweatdrops)  
Wildwing: Or not...  
Duke: Hey, how'd we get here?   
(Everyone looks and discovers that they are now at the abandoned building on the outskirts of town.)  
Nosedive: How'd the Migrator drive without crashing if you let the wheel go after you pulled it over?  
Mallory: And why didn't we notice that it was moving?  
Wildwing: And how'd it go, period?  
Tanya: Don't even think about asking me, I'm still confused about the whole out of character thing.  
(The team gets out of the Migrator, leaving Phil inside, and walk toward the building, which looks like something out of a bad horror movie. As they near the building, lightning flashes against the dark, gloomy sky, and thunder crashes in the background, nevermind the fact that this is at 3:33 in the afternoon and a minute ago there wasn't a cloud in the sky (My, are we in Anaheim or Houston, make up your mind, yeah?))  
Wildwing: :: Picks up the knocker, which consists of a bar in a gargoyles mouth (more bad horror movie props), and bangs it against the door::  
Nosedive: Hello, we've come for tea, would you please be ever so kind, and let us in? I swear bro, you have got to work on your forcefulness. If Dragaunus is inside, do you think he's waiting for us to knock quietly so he can send his butler to escort us in?! Sheesh, talk about niave. ::pulls out his pucklauncher, and is about to blast the door down, when it suddenly opens, apparently on it's own) Ok, so maybe he's been working on his manners since we last saw him...  
(The team walks in. After they are all inside, the door slams shut behind them, locking itself (ooh, spooky.))  
  
HA! I made you wait another chapter! Hahaha! Don't worry, I promise Phil will die soon, you have my solemn vow on it. I don't know where the whole Wildwing thinking incest thoughts about Nosedive came in, it's just an example of my sick mind, ignore it. I swear Phil will die in the next chapter, or my name isn't Aqua_Divey_Whoosh. If you have any ideas, or just wanna chat, my e-mail is NOSGETUKA33@aol.com Ja!  
  



	3. The Insanity

  
  
The (Not So) Tragic Death Of Phil Palmfeather  
  
::Disclaimor- FINE!! Have it your way! I DO own the ducks! They are MY sole possessions! You see, Disney was borrowing them from ME!! You have no right to steal the wonderful, beautiful glory that is the Mighty Ducks, because they are MINE, ALL MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Yeah, in my dreams) I don't own Scooby Doo. Ok, I swear Phil will be put on a permenent vacation VERY soon, but not in this chapter, that's the grand finale, pleeeese be patient, I'm not used to commitment.::  
  
  
(The ducks turned around, hearing the door slam behind them. Wildwing starts banging against it, trying, unsuccessfully, to get it open. Grin just stares, then walks over to Wildwing. Grin picks Wildwing up with ease, and sets him back down next to the door. The team watches while Grin slams his fist into the door. The door, as expected, falls off it's hinges.)  
Nosedive: Well, that was easy.  
(There is a three-minute period of silence, either because no one expected it to be this easy, and had nothing to say, or because they were paying their respects to the door, which had closed, and opened, for the very last time. But it was probably the previous.)  
Duke: *Sniffs* The poor thing. It never even had a chance to have its lock picked by an experienced thief. (So I was wrong, it was the latter ^.-)  
Wildwing: Hold up. Let me get this straight. We come in. The door locks itself. We break down the door, go home, and everyone's happy? No fight? No mutated monster? No evil plans to take over the world?   
Tanya: Well, ya know, it's possible that we picked the wrong house, and the door closed because of a draft of wind...  
Nosedive: Well that would explain a lot.  
Mallory: Wrong house? How many abandoned houses on the outskirts of town do you think are laying around?  
Nosedive: *Looks out a broken window* Well, maybe it's that one over there.  
Wildwing: What?!  
Nosedive: Yeah, there's another house exactly like this one. It's hidden right behind this one too, guess that's why we couldn't see it. Why would anyone put a house there? I imagine the view is horrible...  
(Wildwing growls at this, a GOOD leader is NOT supposed to miss things like that. And they aren't supposed to choose wrong either.)  
Wildwing: Well, let's move!  
(The team runs out the door and into the Migrator, where Phil is trying to download naughty websites on one of the computors, meanwhile, talking on his mighty cel phone of doom)  
Phil: Yeah... Uh huh... Only ten grand?! Are you trying to gyp me man?! This is great, soppy, sickingly sweet stuff, and I, ooh, look at that... What? What were you saying? Of course I'm listening!!  
(Mallory walks up to the computer and pulls the plug)  
Phil: HEY!!  
Mallory: And what is this?  
(Mallory grabs a tape that Phil had been waving around while talking on the phone, and looks at the label)  
Mallory: Tanya, isn't this tape from one of the Migrator's security cameras?  
Nosedive: There are cameras in here?!  
Tanya: Now that you mention it, yeah...  
Nosedive: There are CAMERAS in here??!!  
Tanya: Yes, but don't worry Nosedive, I didn't tell Wildwing about what was on some of them.  
(Nosedive turns bright red)  
Wildwing: What?! Tell me what?! WHAT WAS ON SOME OF THEM??!!  
(Tanya and Wildwing both turn to Nosedive)  
Nosedive: I didn't do it.  
Wildwing: DO WHAT??!!  
Nosedive: Nothing! Nothing at all! I did nothing!  
Tanya: Well, if you call THAT nothing, I'd sure like to see what you call SOMETHING.  
(Nosedive turns and runs around in a circle, his hands covering his mouth, trying not to scream.)  
Wildwing: WHAT. HAPPENED. TANYA. TELL. ME. THAT'S. AN. ORDER.  
Tanya: *Puts her hand over her heart* I cannot tell a lie. Some of the film had... interesting footage.  
Wildwing: What KIND of interesting footage?  
(Nosedive is hopping up and down, his hands covering his face, trying not to show his tears of fear.)  
Nosedive: *Squeaky voice* Whatever she's says, she's lying!! I didn't do anything wrong, don't believe her!  
Tanya: It wasn't much, just a couple of pieces of interesting footage, just like I said before.  
Wildwing: But what was ON them?!   
Nosedive: Does it really matter?! *Laughing nervously* I mean, after all, what we want to know is why PHIL had one isn't it?! Right?! Right!! Ahahaha! *Turns to Phil* Well Phil? Why DO you have them, sense we all care MUCH more about that than whatever boring footage must be on those silly tapes?! I'm sure your explaination will be a long and confusing one, so that we all have time to forget about the past, am I right?! Ok! On with the story then! Ahahaha!  
Wildwing: What just a minute-  
Grin: Speak, oh fat and unspiritual one.  
Phil: Well, after you guys left, I was bored, so I decided to look around. While I was, I found a camera, and saw that it had taped that little scene with Nosedive and Wildwing, so I tried to sell it to Spielburg just now, oh, speaking of which, you don't mind, do you?  
Nosedive: *Points accusingly at Phil* HA! I can't believe you could be so low! Imagine selling such an intimate and personal tape Hollywood!! You are definatly the worst Phil!!   
Wildwing: I agree.   
Nosedive: *folds his arms, satisfied that he's made everyone forget about his little "movie-making" experience*  
Wildwing: *whispers to Nosedive* Not even close, my little one. You have some MAJOR explaining to do when we get back home. *Ignores the terrified look on Nosedive's face, and looks at Phil* Phil, you are in deep trouble when we get home.  
Duke: Uh, guys? It happened again.  
(The ducks look up and notice that they are now parked in front of the SECOND abandoned house)  
Mallory: This is getting repetitive.  
Wildwing: *sighs* Well, let's get this over with.  
Nosedive: Uh, maybe we should look for another one...  
Wildwing: Forget it, this is the one.  
Nosedive: If you say so...  
Wildwing: Phil! Stay here, and no more business deals!   
Phil: Sheesh, you guys are so uptight!  
(The team walks out, leaving Phil alone. They walk up the cracked sidewalk, and onto the front porch. This house has another gargoyle knocker. Wildwing picks it up and slams it against the door. The door opens by itself, and slams after the team's inside. Wildwing begins to bang against the door again.)  
Nosedive: Uh, you did that in the other house.  
Wildwing: Of course. *slam* This *slam* is *slam* what *slam* I'm *slam* supposed *slam* to *slam* do. *slam* Ow...   
Nosedive: Maybe we should investigate...  
???: HEY!  
(The team looks up, but a net is promptly thrown over them, successfully blocking their eyes from seeing anything.)  
???: Freddy, your plan worked! We caught them!  
(The net is pulled back to reveal... Freddy, Thelma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scooby!)  
Mallory: HA! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU! I KNEW IT WAS SCOOBY AND THE GANG, I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!  
Nosedive: When?!   
Mallory: Back in the first chapter!  
Nosedive: Oh yeah...  
Freddy: Now to reveal the criminal!  
(Freddy walks over to Duke and tries to pull his head off)  
Duke: Hey, hey, HEY!! What do you think you're doing?!  
Shaggy: Zoinks!! It's an alien! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  
Scooby: Rarien? RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  
Nosedive: Alien? AHHHHHHHHH ok maybe not.  
Freddy: So aliens are real! But why? What was your motive?  
Wildwing: What?!   
Thelma: Was it for the money? The fame? The excitement? Or are you just plain evil?  
Wildwing: I think there's been a mistake...  
Nosedive: And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and your dog!  
Grin: ...  
Wildwing: We're looking for a suarian named Dragaunus.  
Daphne: And we're looking for the caped cod!  
Mallory: An evil fish, how intimidating.  
Freddy: If you're not him, why are you here?  
Duke: Aw man, we got the wrong house AGAIN!  
Wildwing: *thinking* How embarrasing! *speaking* Well, how were we supposed to know?! It's not as if there were signs saying "Mystery in process, do not disturb"!  
Nosedive: Actually...  
Wildwing: Actually what?  
Nosedive: I knew they were here.  
Wildwing: Whaat?! Why didn't you say anything?!  
Nosedive: When we drove up, I saw the Mystery Machine parked around back. I told you we should've tried another one!  
Wildwing: Well, IS there another one?!  
Shaggy: We saw another right behind this one. Kinda strange, it looked like a clone of this one, they were exactly the same!  
Wildwing: *mad because making one mistake is bad enough, but two in a row is a major no-no in the leader's handbook* ALRIGHT THEN!! WE'LL TRY AGAIN!!  
(The team gets up and runs out the door)  
Freddy: Good luck!  
(Phil looked up from where he sat, being very bored, in the driver's seat, hearing the door slam. Wildwing grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the chair)  
Phil: What, you screw up again?  
Wildwing: NOT A WORD!!  
Nosedive: Maybe we should just wait, and let the Migrator drive itself again.  
(At this point in time, anyone talking to Wildwing would get their head ripped off for even daring to question his authority and judgement. But hey, as we saw before, Nosedive holds a strange power over Wildwing. Wildwing got out of the seat and stood, not saying anything.)  
  
Hello. I am going to stop continuing the fic until I get up a couple more reviews, so please try to review! May the power of Nosedive compell you, as it has so obviously done with Wildwing!! HAHAHAHAHA CHEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEENNNNNOOOOSSEDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!! *runs away screaming something about paper towels*  



	4. The Insanity Packs it's Bags and Folds I...

The (Not So) Tragic Death of Phil Palmfeather  
  
::Disclaimor- Cheese, why do you all enjoy torturing me so?! I don't own the Mighty Ducks, and you can stop rubbing it in my face, all right?? You cruel, cruel, insensitive people!! Anyhow, like I said before, Phil shall die in the 5th chapter, that's the grand finale. Dude, I wonder what they'll find in the house this time? Anyway, the fic ish almost done! Hurrah! Keep going, you're so close! Don't stop now!! This chapter's pretty long! And there is a kinda... uh... disturbing scene with Wildwing and Nosedive, if you don't like slashy stuff, even if it's a joke, than for god's sake, DON'T READ!! It's the monkeys that did it! Don't blame meeeeeeeeeeeee...::  
  
  
(When we last left our heros, Shaggy and Scooby were - Wait, wrong heros. Ok, lesse...)  
(Author- ::flips through a BIIIIG book, ala The Archive:: Ah, here you are! Sorry, I just found them here you go. ::disapears:)  
(It's a dark, gloomy, foggy, night. It's hard to see, but in the glow of the dim streetlights, one can make out a strange vehicle parked in front of one of the many abandoned buildings on the outskirts of town.)  
(Inside the vehicle, aka, the Migrator, Phil is walking around in a circle, talking to himself)  
Phil: I don't believe this! They were supposed to be at the studio an hour ago! Those rotten ducks!  
(He quickly jumps as the door to the Migrator bangs open to reveal a very wet and angry Wildwing, followed by the rest of the team looking confused.)  
Wildwing: Why do people put moats around an abadoned building?! WHAT AND WHO IS THERE TO BE PROTECTED??!!  
Nosedive: There there, it's ok...  
Wildwing: I swear, that in the time the author gives us before she gets bored and starts another story, that we WILL get the right house!!   
(Author- And they will too. ::old Bugs bunny cartoon wink:)  
  
***  
HOUSE NUMBER 10  
Wildwing: Tanya, how many houses have we tried?!  
Tanya: The one we just did would be... number 10, I think.  
Wildwing: Then we must be close!  
  
***  
HOUSE NUMBER 26  
Nosedive: Are we there yet?  
Wildwing: If you ask that again, we aren't getting any ice cream.  
  
***  
HOUSE NUMBER 33  
Mallory: Maybe we should stop now...  
Wildwing: NO!  
Duke: Never give up! Trust your instinct! (Those of you who've played Star Fox 64 know what I'm talking about - when you're about to die, the rabbit goes "Never give up! Trust your instinct!)  
  
***  
HOUSE NUMBER 41  
Wildwing: We're getting close! I can feel it!  
Tanya: Wing! Stop this crazy thing!  
Nosedive: That's my quote!  
Duke: Actually, It's George Jetson's.  
Tanya: I know, but it sounded cool when you said it.  
Duke: No one even acknowledges my comment...  
  
***  
HOUSE NUMBER 56  
Mallory: Wing, maybe we should call it a night...  
Wildwing: No! Just one more!  
Nosedive: Are you addicted?  
  
***  
(The team just arrived at the 68th house. They are about to repeat the knocker process when Nosedive looks at Wildwing.)  
Nosedive: Can I try it?!  
Duke: But it's my turn!  
(Wildwing gives Duke a mean look)  
Wildwing: :: inspects the knocker, door, and everything else in the vicintiy to make sure it's perfect. It is.:: Ok Dive, here you go.  
Nosedive: ::knocks the knocker::  
Wildwing: ::is crying in happieness:: ::thinking:: What a perfect knock! Truly I am blessed! ::talking:: Great Dive! That was the most beautiful knock I've ever heard! I'm so proud of you!  
Tanya: Dive, your brother sure does place high standerds on you...  
Nosedive: ... Does this mean I can blow off school and you'll still be proud of me?!  
(The door opens and they go inside. Inside the house, Nosedive managed to keep Wildwing from ramming into the door long enough for him to notice that there were two levers in the middle of the floor.)  
Wildwing: Hmm... ::stands with one arm raised, the other on his hip.:: Duke! Pull the lever!  
(Duke pulls the lever. The floor beneath Wildwing's feet opens, and he falls down very far.)  
Wildwing: WRONG LEVEEEEEEEEEEEER!  
  
***  
(Nosedive is helping a once again wet and p.o.ed Wildwing into the Migrator.)  
Wildwing: Why do they have that lever anyway?!  
  
***  
274 HOUSES AND 5 VERY WET AND ANGRY WILDWINGS LATER...  
Wildwing: That's IT! If this house isn't it, I'm going to turn evil, blow ALL the houses up, and run around in the mall screaming the lyrics to the Barney theme!  
Nosedive: And managing to help the director continue his evil scheme to confuse people all over the world.  
Phil: And giving me the opurtunity to get you on Wicked!  
  
***  
INSIDE THE LAST HOUSE  
Wildwing: It looks like all the others we've seen so far...  
Tanya: Wildwing! Look out!  
Wildwing: What the -   
(Wildwing screams like a girl as he's hit by a package of marshmallows)  
Duke: They got Wing!  
Wildwing: ... I'm... alright...  
Mallory: Oh no!  
(The whole team tries to block their hands with their hands as they are bombarded with pointy shoes, pans of lasagnia, mighty cel phones of doom, diet cokes, and many copies of Christina Agulara's latest cd)  
Grin: Ahhh! All the evil things of the world! Even an aura as strong as mine cannot remain unclouded under such conditions!  
The rest of the team: Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
(They look up to discover that the objects of fear are being thrown by evil winged monkeys.)  
Nosedive: Neeh!  
(One of the monkeys flies down to Nosedive.)  
Wildwing: Get the hell away from my little brother!  
(Wildwing begins dodging the evil objects, trying to get to his little brother. But before he can reach him, the evil monkey melts into Nosedive's body, thus, possessing him. Nosedive's eyes turn a funkay shade of green with gold and black specks as he looks at his big brother, smiling evilly.)  
Wildwing: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
Nosedive: ::licks his fangs (oh no, another fang boy! Move over Tasuki!) jumps on Wildwing, and begins doing... *evil* things::  
Mallory: Ewe...  
Duke: These monkeys could give Dragaunus a run for his money...  
Grin: Maybe we should give them some privacy...  
(The whole team (except for Nosedive and Wildwing who are, uh, preocupied) shudders, and look away. The evil flying monkeys watch, some of them get nosebleeds and faint from lack of blood)  
Tanya: ::to the author:: Don't you ever give us a break? First it's the whole Wildwing looking at his own brother's butt thing, now this?!  
Author: It's not my fault! I was under the influence of cheese that other time! And I didn't do this! It was, uh, the monkeys! They're the ones who kidnapped Sylphs too! They took over my mind, and wrote themselves into the story!  
Tanya: Sure they did.  
Author: Watch your mouth!  
(A monkey hits Tanya in the head with a package of marshmallows.)  
Tanya: Ow ow, ok, I'll shut up...  
(Wildwing is lying unconcious on the floor, with only enough clothing on to keep this fanfic from being NC-17. Nosedive is looking around, bored now that he's done with his brother. He spies Tanya... (author: uh oh) and jumps on HER.)  
Mallory: Ok, I am leaving.  
Duke: We can't just leave all of them there!  
Mallory: ...   
Grin: All is possible.  
(Grin slings Wildwing over his shoulders, knocks Tanya and Nosedive unconcious, picks them up, and begins to walk out the door, ignoring the angry screams of the monkeys.)  
  
***  
(The Migrator is now driving towards the Pond, with a still unconcious Wildwing, a very... busy Nosedive and Tanya, a frightened Phil, a driving Duke, an angry Mallory, and a, well... Grin-like Grin.)  
Phil: Uh guys, there are monkeys on the roof, and I think they want in.  
Duke: Ignore them Phil.  
Phil: How?! By watching the mating process of humanoid ducks?! Actually, that doesn't sound TOO bad... ::begins watching Dive and Tanya::  
Mallory: Perv.  
  
HELLO! OK, I KNOW THIS FIC ISH GRADUALLY GETTING SICKER AND SICKER, BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT I, UH, I MEAN THE MONKEYS HAVE PLANNED FOR THE NEXT ONE! ::EVIL GRIN:: HEHEHE... YOU'RE ALMOST TO THE END! DON'T GIVE UP NOW, YOU CAN DO IT! ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO!! JA! ::RUNS AWAY SCREAMING::   
RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  
  



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